Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
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Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I put the h in mysterious.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I ate everything, including the H.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.