They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
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What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Bike is short for Bichael.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”