[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
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I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Never let them know your next move 😂
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.