Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
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Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water