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the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
If you’re testing me, we failed.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes