I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
You Might Also Like
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
No, YOUR illiterate.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
selena gomez
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.