I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
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If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”