January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
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Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.