ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
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Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.