Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
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If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet