It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
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“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
nature’s most graceful animal
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done