Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
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You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
*Inspirational Tweets*
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.