I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
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*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume