Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
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I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*