[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
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“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.