Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
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“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???