If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.