Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
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I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Me if I was a dog
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one