Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
You Might Also Like
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.