Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
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[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.