ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
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Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.