I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
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Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
just got my engagement photos
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Rooting for the overdog
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
FINE, I WON’T.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.