When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
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Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
goldfish mafia
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!