*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
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Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I finally found a reason to live again.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.