draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
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This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.