You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
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I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I’ll be mad as hell!
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.