I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
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The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
No, he would not have.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.