inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
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My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
this is funnier than any friends episode
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.