Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
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lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.