Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
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1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.