I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
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Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
so i’m at the stock market right
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.