Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
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I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Big Sex has us all fooled
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Venn
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
what the
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.