I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
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I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.