emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
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One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.