*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
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It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”