Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
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Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit