Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
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I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.