Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
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I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.