I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
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me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I’d love this…lol
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
selena gomez
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
😅🤣😂
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson