me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
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My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.