just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
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taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
A French press is when you hug naked
This is always good for a laugh.
These 3D printers are insane!
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
channeling her this year
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”