[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
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I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
*seductively eats two tums*
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.