*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
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I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Ion see the issue
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.