THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
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9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.