I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
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me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
no one likes gloating
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond