It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
You Might Also Like
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice