the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
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Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Seems a bit forward
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.