I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
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My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
May have had one breakfast too many