turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
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5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Tell me you get it…🤣
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside