In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
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I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I don’t make the rules sorry
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*